ACURA
- Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
AMC
- All Makes Combined
- A Major Cost
- A Mutated Car
- A Morons Car
- Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI
- Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
- All Unsafe Designs Implemented
- Another Ugly Duetsche Invention
- Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
- Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BMW
- Babbling Mechanical Wench
- Beastly Monsterous Wonder
- Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
- Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
- Big Money Waste
- Big Money. Why?
- Big Money Works
- Born Moderately Wealthy
- Bought My Wife
- Break My Windows
- Break My Windshield
- Breaks Most Wrenches
- Bring Many Wrenches
- Brings Me Women
- Brings More Women
- Broken Money Waster
- Broke My Wallet
- Broken Monstrous Wonder
- Brutal Money Waster
- Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
- Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BUICK
- Big Ugly Import Car Killer
- Big Ugly Immitation Chrome King
- Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
- Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
- Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CADILLAC
- Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars
CHEVROLET
- Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle, Or Loud Engine Ticks
- Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
- Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
- Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
- Cheap Heaps Erratically Vibrate Running On Level Even Terrain
- Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
- Cracked Heads, Every Valve's Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVY
- Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
DODGE
- Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
- Dead Old Dog Going East
- Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
- Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
- Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
- Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
- Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere
- Driven Only During Grey Evenings
EDSEL
- Every Day Something Else Leaks
FIAT
- Failed In A Tunnel
- Fails In Attempted Turns
- Failure In Automotive Technology
- Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
- Fits In A Thimble
- Fix It Again Tony
- Flats In All Tires
- Found In A Trench
FORD
- Fabricated Of Refried Dung
- Fails On Rainy Days
- Famous Odor Resistant Dog
- Falling Off: Rusty Door
- Fast Only Rolling Downhill
- Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
- Fastest On Road, Dip!
- Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
- Fault Of R&D
- Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
- Finally Obsolete Racing Device
- Fireball On Rear Denting
- First On Recall Day
- First On Race Day
- First On Road to Dump
- First On Rust and Deterioration
- First Order of Reproductive Discipline
- Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
- Fixed Or Repaired Daily
- Flip Over Read Directions
- Flipping Over Results in Death
- Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
- Flintstone Or Rubble Driven
- Follow Our Ruddy Dogsled
- Fond Of Resonating Decibels
- Foot On Road Decelerates
- Fords Only Run Downhill
- Forced On Reluctant Drivers
- Formed Of Rejected DNA
- Forwarded Once; Return Denied
- Forward Only; Reverse Defective
- Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
- Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
- For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
- Fork Over Repair Dough
- Found On Red Dumpster
- Found On Redneck's Driveway
- Found On Roadside Dead
- Found On Rubbish Dump
- Found Outside Refuse Dump
- Found Outside Rotting Dump
- Found On Russian Dump
- Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos
- Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
- Frequently On Ritalin, Designers
- Free Or Reduced Drastically
- Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
- Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
- Funny Old Rattling Dump
- Funky Old Rebuilt Dodge
- (spelled backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GEO
- Good Engineering Overlooked
G. M.
- General Maintenance
- Goshdarn Mess
- Generally Misunderstood
- Garbage Motors
- Generally Miserable
- Grossley Misconceived
- Gluteus Maximus
GMC
- Garage Man's Companion
- Generally Mediocre Cars
- Generic Made Chevy
- German Milk Cow
- Get More Chicks
- Gets Mechanics Crazy
- Gods Mechanical Curse
- Gotta Mechanic comming
- Got More Crap
- Great Mountain Climber
HONDA
- Had One, Never Do-that Again
- Hang On, Not Done Accellerating
- Has Often Nice Dealer Accessories
- Heck, Other Nips Drive Acuras
HYUNDAI
- How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
- Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
IROC
- I Race Other Cars
- I Run Over Critters
- I Run Off Cliffs
IROC
- Ignorant Retard Out Cruising
JEEP
- Just Eats Every Part
- Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
KIA
- Killed In Action
- Kills In Accidents
LTD
- Long Term Debt
- Lousy Transportation, Dammit!
- Little Tin Dream
- Last Try from Detroit
- Long, Thin Dumpster
- Long Time Driving
MAZDA
- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
- My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
MERCEDES
- Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans
M.G.
MITSUBISHI
- Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete
MOPAR
- Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
- Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
- Most Often Passed At Races
- Mostly Old Parts And Rust
- Mostly Old Paint And Rust
- Move Over People Are Racing
- Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
- My Old Pig Ain't Running
- My Only Problems Are Repairs
NISSAN
- Nine Idiots Standing, Saying Absolutly Nothing
- Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense
OLDSMOBILE
- Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything
- Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every
day
- Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel
- Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment
- Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PINTO
- Put In Nickel To Operate
- Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH
- Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!
- Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap
PONTIAC
- People On Narcotics Think It's A Chevy
- Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac
- Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities
PORSCHE
- Piece Of Rubbish, Saps Continually High Expense
- Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
PROBE
- Plainly Runs Only By Exception
SAAB
- Send Another Automobile Back
- Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
- Swedish Automobiles Are Beastly
- Sad Attempt At Beauty
- Sorry Auto, Always Broken
- Swedish Automobile-Always Broken
SATURN
- Sounds Absolutly Terrible, Unbelievable Rattling Noises
SUBARU
- Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
- Sorry Unreal Bonzai Attempt at a Russian U-boat
TOYOTA
- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
- Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
TRIUMPH
- This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
- Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
- The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
VOLVO
- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
VOLKSWAGON
- Very Obsolete, Losers Knowingly Suffer With All German Engineered Nonsense